Tuesday, April 22, 2008
self help
Two days ago, the fog lifted from our home. Birdie is no longer fighting us and we're no longer cursing our parenting status. What happened, you ask?
A and I sat down, completely drained, haggard, sad and frustrated and talked and talked. We analyzed all the self-help books we read (four or five?), analyzed Birdie's consistent stumbling points to going to sleep and rummaged through the not-dead-yet parts of our minds to find a way out of this thick fog. We opted to toss all of what we added to our 'system' of sleep (mostly gathered from self-help books) and simplified what we used to do to put Birdie to sleep and then see how things transpired. Of course, all of this in consideration with what clues she's leaving for us to pick up on during the go-to-sleep process. All of that said, we've got our Bird back and the bedraggled nest is on the mend.
PHEW!
So, maybe this book tells me I'm not teaching my baby how to self-soothe. While another tells me that I'm not committed enough to the teaching of sleep to my baby and she'll resultantly always have a sleep disorder. While another book tells me that I'm in this boat with other parents and they have found success to a sleep-easy or no-cry solution to put their baby to sleep. Well, I have too, I've self helped myself to tossing all the ideas and following my heart. If Birdie wants to be with me when she goes to sleep, okay. If Birdie wants to be sung to, that is sweet. She's a baby. She's needs us.
I'm telling ya, I sure won't go back to that look she gave me (oh how it makes my heart shudder to think about), mid-schnook, during those tough sleep times of "What are you doing? I'm sad about this situation. Can't we just be us?"
Yes, please. *SIGH*
A and I sat down, completely drained, haggard, sad and frustrated and talked and talked. We analyzed all the self-help books we read (four or five?), analyzed Birdie's consistent stumbling points to going to sleep and rummaged through the not-dead-yet parts of our minds to find a way out of this thick fog. We opted to toss all of what we added to our 'system' of sleep (mostly gathered from self-help books) and simplified what we used to do to put Birdie to sleep and then see how things transpired. Of course, all of this in consideration with what clues she's leaving for us to pick up on during the go-to-sleep process. All of that said, we've got our Bird back and the bedraggled nest is on the mend.
PHEW!
So, maybe this book tells me I'm not teaching my baby how to self-soothe. While another tells me that I'm not committed enough to the teaching of sleep to my baby and she'll resultantly always have a sleep disorder. While another book tells me that I'm in this boat with other parents and they have found success to a sleep-easy or no-cry solution to put their baby to sleep. Well, I have too, I've self helped myself to tossing all the ideas and following my heart. If Birdie wants to be with me when she goes to sleep, okay. If Birdie wants to be sung to, that is sweet. She's a baby. She's needs us.
I'm telling ya, I sure won't go back to that look she gave me (oh how it makes my heart shudder to think about), mid-schnook, during those tough sleep times of "What are you doing? I'm sad about this situation. Can't we just be us?"
Yes, please. *SIGH*
Thursday, April 17, 2008
S'il vous plait
In light of my imminent return-to-work, my year off with Birdie, and our 15th anniversary - A and I have booked a our first real vacation with Birdie to Montreal, Quebec. We're thrilled about making the committment to a trip because our travel life must go on!
I realize now that it was a year ago that we traveled to Paris and Prague. Oh, what a delightful and dreamy trip that was... even if, no, especially because our luggage got lost and, now that I think of it, so did our train! That was the trip in which we started to really focus on the next stage of our lives - parenthood. That tour reinforced our committment to each other, our first baby and our lifestyle.
I anticipate that Montreal will be much of the same, only in a new direction. This time we'll be contemplating Birdie's future, our schedule(s) and again, revisiting our intentions for our lifestyle.
I anticipate that Montreal will be much of the same, only in a new direction. This time we'll be contemplating Birdie's future, our schedule(s) and again, revisiting our intentions for our lifestyle.
I love that we still get itchy feet, despite all the likely drama traveling with the babe. I must remember and repeat: adaptation, evolution, redirection, locomotion.
Monday, April 14, 2008
run for cover
Lately, my scant moments of clarity have by far been outweighed by frustration and ear-covering. Birdie's screams - both ticked and 'happy' - are simply mind-numbing. I've been less than thrilled about my stunted conversations with A through this mad noise. A and I have improved on our body language though... it's deafening dialogue actually.
Suspecting more teeth and clearly, sleep-deprived, Birdie has been less than ideal to hang with. During the rants, hers not mine, I think and think. Yes, I think of my old life, when I had the luxury of choosing to run or not. I can't believe I chose not to run when I could have. What a shame. Tears well up at that thought now. I can't believe I watched that crappy movie, again (with commercials), when I could have been speedily reading through my course materials - which are actually really interesting. If I had done that, I would have my diploma by now. What a silly girl I was. I think about my relationships and how I didn't call as often as I should have and as a result, lost some opportunities to dig deeper and cherish my friends a little more. Because, I find that I have so little to give now.
Oh dear, if yoga isn't working, what will?
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Went for jury duty today and to my great relief I discovered that I had not only served my civic duty to show up, but also was excused. Apparently the parties arrived at a plea-bargain deal. I was promptly thanked for showing up and left. For some reason, that felt fulfilling.
As a result of the closure of jury duty, I have officially turned the corner on the count-down to my return to work. I realize now that I am going back to work in eight weeks! Wow. I feel quite thankful to have been excused from serving on a jury and thus have some extra time with Birdie.
So, in light of my return to work (which, incidentally, is a new job, not the old one) and my next stage of life in locomotion, I purchased a new pair of shoes.
John Fluevog, how I do love you :)
Monday, April 07, 2008
parent to teen
Two teeth later and flights to and from the Prairies to visit Grandma and Grandpa, and I'm back at the blog. What a whirlwind.
Sleep has become the most unfavourable thing to get to for Birdie and as a result, for me. Admittedly, I dread the going-to-sleep process or whatever its called. And Birdie can really hold her own now... maybe the teeth have increased her resolve. But one thing is certain right now, going to sleep is no friend of Birdie's.
See, I never had that idea... I have always loved going to sleep and sleeping. When I was a girl, I would fall asleep anywhere and not for brief periods rather long and deep snoozes. I love sleep still and might add that I'm really good at it.
As a new mother I have come to realize that I'm not 'all that'. Don't be mistaken, I'm not saying 'woe is me' or 'I need a break'. What I am saying is 'have I always had this trait in me... and never realized it before? Because... ew, I don't like it.' Let me explain. Before I had Birdie, I had this idea that when a child would be added to my life (and my existing lifestyle) that new and unfamiliar emotions and undeveloped character within me would suddenly emerge. Okay, so new and unfamiliar emotions and character traits have shown themselves. Unfortunately, not the new emotions and 'strength' of character that I had hoped or imagined. Instead of beauty and grace I have discovered that I am impatient (particularly for the non-sensical) and frequently feel confounded. Again, not the characteristics and feelings that I had in mind.
I'm back in the emotional arena of an adolescent. Seriously:
- my body has completely betrayed me. What is this thing anyway?
- my emotions are in complete tumult
- my head is fuzzy. Some of it sleep deprivation, some of it is missing the me I used to 'get' and some of it is just processing input at a rapid rate
- my self-esteem is under constant self-scrutiny
- my accomplishments feel less than what I had hoped
- my superiors know all the answers
- my decisions are uncertain. One day, I have complete resolve on an issue, and the next its gone.
Sleeping should be my specialty and teaching it should be natural. But it's not. I'm not a natural at being a mom either. Birdie, forgive the drama of me. I'm working on it.
Sleep has become the most unfavourable thing to get to for Birdie and as a result, for me. Admittedly, I dread the going-to-sleep process or whatever its called. And Birdie can really hold her own now... maybe the teeth have increased her resolve. But one thing is certain right now, going to sleep is no friend of Birdie's.
See, I never had that idea... I have always loved going to sleep and sleeping. When I was a girl, I would fall asleep anywhere and not for brief periods rather long and deep snoozes. I love sleep still and might add that I'm really good at it.
As a new mother I have come to realize that I'm not 'all that'. Don't be mistaken, I'm not saying 'woe is me' or 'I need a break'. What I am saying is 'have I always had this trait in me... and never realized it before? Because... ew, I don't like it.' Let me explain. Before I had Birdie, I had this idea that when a child would be added to my life (and my existing lifestyle) that new and unfamiliar emotions and undeveloped character within me would suddenly emerge. Okay, so new and unfamiliar emotions and character traits have shown themselves. Unfortunately, not the new emotions and 'strength' of character that I had hoped or imagined. Instead of beauty and grace I have discovered that I am impatient (particularly for the non-sensical) and frequently feel confounded. Again, not the characteristics and feelings that I had in mind.
I'm back in the emotional arena of an adolescent. Seriously:
- my body has completely betrayed me. What is this thing anyway?
- my emotions are in complete tumult
- my head is fuzzy. Some of it sleep deprivation, some of it is missing the me I used to 'get' and some of it is just processing input at a rapid rate
- my self-esteem is under constant self-scrutiny
- my accomplishments feel less than what I had hoped
- my superiors know all the answers
- my decisions are uncertain. One day, I have complete resolve on an issue, and the next its gone.
Sleeping should be my specialty and teaching it should be natural. But it's not. I'm not a natural at being a mom either. Birdie, forgive the drama of me. I'm working on it.
