Thursday, May 07, 2009
vacation
I had a post up about Palm Springs... I deleted it out of frustration. I've come to acknowledge, again, that life isn't like it used to be. I'm not ticked about it anymore. I felt the only authentic thing to do was to delete the blog and reevaluate.So, between 60 and 65% of the time A, Birdie and I were in Palm Springs, we had a great time. For those of you that know me, that's a poor passing grade. That said, I give us 100% for effort and 110% for traveling the entire day yesterday (delays and all) like we are pros. Birdie fared very well yesterday. In conjunction, I expected it to all go to hell at any minute. That balanced itself out very nicely in the end.
Okay, so I've been authentic now and it feels... better.
PS was a good choice for our place in life - no need to make any big decisions, hot, wonderful hotel and pool and relatively inexpensive. Culturally, no shockers, but amusing of course. The economic downturn is palpable, maybe making people seemingly more eccentric. Speculating, of course.
Birdie liked her Dora swimmer diapers since everytime she put one on she would dance around and sing "Gaya gaya gaya". I guess she knew that special diapers meant that it was poolside time. She doesn't even watch Dora - I really don't know how that all came to be. She also likes cones, which we made a journey for on a daily basis - across the street.
I made some attempts to run in the heat and I'll say I made it. I locomoted through some really beautiful homes, landscaped in desert cacti, rocks and palms, of course. We found a wonderful restaurant nearby that was California vegan called Native Foods. This, too, was a highlight since we ate heavenly food in the nearest possible location away from the hotel.
For future reference:
- I will travel again,
- I will travel realistically,
- I will let myself off the hook
- I recognize that this stage of parenthood and my limited autonomy will not always be as it is now
- I like A because he is more compassionate than I
- I like Birdie because she forgives my grrr
# posted by tfoxfan @ 12:13 PM 
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This post is greatness, E. I thought the original was good too, but the real you shines through here. The ratio you refer to (60-65%) has haunted me for almost eight years now, and it's a source of disagreement between me and Tannis.
If Ezra is having a cranky day, he might be actively demanding/whining/crying/wrecking for what, maybe three out of ten waking hours? I consider that grounds for judging the day a total failure, despite 70% of it being mostly fine.
So maybe that's not fair, but for me, two hours of being made upset, exhausted and angry by a toddler is not offset by seven hours of neutral (not terrible, not wonderful) and maybe an hour that's great. That's a shitty day for me, and I resent the little person responsible, even knowing that it's petty and immature to do so. And unfortunately, that feeling is also cumulative -- if I feel that a "normal" day with young kids is slightly shitty, then after a week of those normal days, I don't feel good about the big picture at all.
So when I hear parents say they love parenthood and that their kids are so awesome, I feel like I have a fundamental character flaw that doesn't let me value the neutral and good times enough so that they can balance out the lows. Or maybe it's that the lows get me too low and I can't recover. But either way, it sucks and I wish I could flip a switch and find that I'd rather be hanging out with my kids than doing anything else. I suspect you're better at valuing these things than I am.
On vacation these things are more intense because you expect to feel more relaxed and happier, but if there's someone (not to name names) in your traveling party who seems intent on ruining part of each day, it's tough to be mellow and joyful. Sigh. I'm also lucky to have a partner with more compassion than I do, to help me with perspective.
Anyway, great photos, and I loved the thought-provoking words.
If Ezra is having a cranky day, he might be actively demanding/whining/crying/wrecking for what, maybe three out of ten waking hours? I consider that grounds for judging the day a total failure, despite 70% of it being mostly fine.
So maybe that's not fair, but for me, two hours of being made upset, exhausted and angry by a toddler is not offset by seven hours of neutral (not terrible, not wonderful) and maybe an hour that's great. That's a shitty day for me, and I resent the little person responsible, even knowing that it's petty and immature to do so. And unfortunately, that feeling is also cumulative -- if I feel that a "normal" day with young kids is slightly shitty, then after a week of those normal days, I don't feel good about the big picture at all.
So when I hear parents say they love parenthood and that their kids are so awesome, I feel like I have a fundamental character flaw that doesn't let me value the neutral and good times enough so that they can balance out the lows. Or maybe it's that the lows get me too low and I can't recover. But either way, it sucks and I wish I could flip a switch and find that I'd rather be hanging out with my kids than doing anything else. I suspect you're better at valuing these things than I am.
On vacation these things are more intense because you expect to feel more relaxed and happier, but if there's someone (not to name names) in your traveling party who seems intent on ruining part of each day, it's tough to be mellow and joyful. Sigh. I'm also lucky to have a partner with more compassion than I do, to help me with perspective.
Anyway, great photos, and I loved the thought-provoking words.
I think you both nailed it with noting expectations. I sometimes wonder if being the primary daytime caregiver has lowered my expectations drastically. I see such a variety of meltdowns in one day that one more is just another glitch a lot of the time. Occasionally of course it puts me way over the edge and I bolt at first opportunity.
Travel is tougher because my tolerance for everything goes out the window when I'm not sleeping as well, my diet is worse and there are more decisions to make (with other people who are tired and aren't eating properly...).
Tofino in 4 years?
Travel is tougher because my tolerance for everything goes out the window when I'm not sleeping as well, my diet is worse and there are more decisions to make (with other people who are tired and aren't eating properly...).
Tofino in 4 years?
J & T,
I'm beginning to think that people have forgotten what it means to be true. I quite vividly recall the near-chastising we received for being married for so long without a kid in the mix. My current assumption is that rather than people thinking, "hey, they're missing out on cool kidness" it was "hey, they're ditching out on some responsibilities that we've undertaken so like, get on that before I get bitter about your free and easy life!" OK, I don't entirely think people think that, rather that people aren't true about the difficulty of changing from a non-parent to parent. I also don't believe that others admit how often they mourn their prior independence thinking that it's some sort of resentment towards their child. I believe that the more I mourn it the better I am to face my reality AND to make way to add some of that old autonomy back (slowly of course) that I have for some reason forsaken.
To comment, J, on your 3/10 ratio... I have that same struggle to forget the good parts of the day and write off the entire day because of the frickn' 10 minute writhing, boneless temper tantrum about the fact that I didn't give Birdie the permanent sharpie that she wanted. (How am I supposed to know?).
I think too that the character flaw is an interesting reflection that further exposes the idea of a higher level of selfishness which accompanies non-parenthood life. I've worked pretty hard not to ask if people I meet have kids because it's not the thing that should quantify who they are. They should be who they are not the parent of the kids they have. That's not selfish or flawed at all, rather, in my view, caring for that person.
T, I love what you mentioned about the lowered expectations... a real practical reflection there. 'I have this day, with these kids and I expect some good and annoying and frustrating and so, on with it!' I seek practicality and logic in this parenting journey because so much is subjective... I like your thinking...
All that being said - NO, Tofino within a year! Bring it and bear it and grind your teeth a little more than usual. Then smell and see the waves of the ocean for a moment more than you need.
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I'm beginning to think that people have forgotten what it means to be true. I quite vividly recall the near-chastising we received for being married for so long without a kid in the mix. My current assumption is that rather than people thinking, "hey, they're missing out on cool kidness" it was "hey, they're ditching out on some responsibilities that we've undertaken so like, get on that before I get bitter about your free and easy life!" OK, I don't entirely think people think that, rather that people aren't true about the difficulty of changing from a non-parent to parent. I also don't believe that others admit how often they mourn their prior independence thinking that it's some sort of resentment towards their child. I believe that the more I mourn it the better I am to face my reality AND to make way to add some of that old autonomy back (slowly of course) that I have for some reason forsaken.
To comment, J, on your 3/10 ratio... I have that same struggle to forget the good parts of the day and write off the entire day because of the frickn' 10 minute writhing, boneless temper tantrum about the fact that I didn't give Birdie the permanent sharpie that she wanted. (How am I supposed to know?).
I think too that the character flaw is an interesting reflection that further exposes the idea of a higher level of selfishness which accompanies non-parenthood life. I've worked pretty hard not to ask if people I meet have kids because it's not the thing that should quantify who they are. They should be who they are not the parent of the kids they have. That's not selfish or flawed at all, rather, in my view, caring for that person.
T, I love what you mentioned about the lowered expectations... a real practical reflection there. 'I have this day, with these kids and I expect some good and annoying and frustrating and so, on with it!' I seek practicality and logic in this parenting journey because so much is subjective... I like your thinking...
All that being said - NO, Tofino within a year! Bring it and bear it and grind your teeth a little more than usual. Then smell and see the waves of the ocean for a moment more than you need.
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